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As a Christian, I try to read the Bible everyday. I find that a lot of it is relevant to my life and helpful However, there are a lot of crazy things in the Bible. Some of them aren't so easily recocnizable as applying to our lives, I admit. However, some are VERY applicable, here are just a few that I find hilarious and very poinient.  
(yes I took that bible photo. It's a Norweigen Bible at my cabin)

 King Solomon was considered one of the wisest and richest kings in the Old Testiment. When God asked him what he wanted, riches or wisdom, he asked for wisdom. God blessed him with both. King Solom wrote much of the Proverbs in the Old Testiment. He wrote what he observed for us to learn from.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solomon#Wisdom

6) Talkative idiots

King Solomon had a lot to say about idiots and the unwise. I'd like to think of this incredibly wise, rich king seeing all these suprisingly stupid people acting terribly idiotic, thinking to himself "wow, these people are morons...I should write this stuff down so people don't act like them again!"

With all these politicians using the bible to argue policy and legislation, they might want to take a look at some of these very poignant and wise proverbs.

In this clip, guests Key and Peele, and Daily Show correspondents help discuss the question “Is this racist?”, or “Was that Racist”, or, as Bill O’Reily asks “Am I a racist.”

 

 

To that, I think this Proverb applies well.

  • Proverbs 17:28
    "Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues" 

 

And when politician Todd Akin weighed in on his beliefs and “scientific” understanding about the woman’s body, said this: ““It seems to be, first of all, from what I understand from doctors, it’s really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut the whole thing down.”

 

But, of course, that didn’t stop others to continue talking about pregnancy in the case of rape. Richard Mourdock took it to the next level.

"I struggled with it myself for a long time, but I came to realize life is that gift from God. And I think even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, that it is something that God intended to happen."

Stephen Colbert has something to say these guys: “I just want to give you a little advice on how to handle yourself, if in the middle of a debate or while casually talking to reporters, you feel yourself about to share your views on rape, OK?  I want you — and this is important, so go grab a pencil, OK?  If you're about to talk about rape, I want you to stab yourself in the eye with your pencil!  OK?  (audience cheering)  Just jam it in there!  Really work it around, just back and forth, up in your skull cavity, OK?  See if you can get it in there and sever the portion of your brain that stores the word "rape".  OK?  And don't stop until your urge to appeal to voters by talking about rape has passed.”

 

To these, perhaps this Proverb would be best.

  • Proverbs 18:2
    "A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion."

 

This list wouldn’t be complete if didn’t include the Mayor of Toronto, Rob Ford, and the truly crazy things this man has said and done.

 

When accused of saying something crude (I’ll let you watch the clip), responds thusly: “I’m happily married,” Toronto’s mayor said Thursday. “I have more than enough to eat at home.”

 

Perhaps this proverb is best in this circumstance:

  • Proverbs 18:6
    A fool's lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.

 

5) Complaining, nagging wives.

 Not ony was King Solomon blessed with riches and wisdom, but was also "blessed" with 700 wives and 300 concubines. If you think having one wife that complains a lot is hard, just imagine 700. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Solomon#Wives
Of course, this was King Solomon's own fault for having so many wives, but he decided to write down how he felt about some of them anyway. Of course it isn't just wives that can be annoying. Men, or husbands, not doing the stuff they said they would is of course common, thus the cycle continues. (Men also seem to speak a lot about things they don't know anything about, refer to point #6)

King Solomon probably didn't know this, but nagging wives can actually have negative effects on husband’s health.

"Danish researchers from the University of Copenhagen said having a nagging partner can significantly shorten one’s life, and could result in three extra deaths per 100 people per year. The study also said people nagged by their spouses are more likely to get heart disease and cancer.”
http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2014/05/09/study-nagging-by-a-spouse-could-shorten-your-life/

“A new study suggests that being needled by or arguing a lot with spouses,neighbors or relatives can shorten a person’s life. And that men, particularly those who are unemployed, are especially susceptible.”
http://time.com/89987/husbands-wives-nagging-study/

 

Perhaps this Proverb applies:

  • Proverbs 19:13
    "A foolish child is a father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof."

 

Some men have it so bad, they choose jail over house arrest.

"A 32-year-old man placed under house arrest for drug-related charges fled his Livorno home and begged police to keep him behind bars. The reason? His nagging wife was driving him crazy, he told Italian police, Breitbart.com reported. So rather than serve out his time at home, Walid Chaabani broke from his house and ran right into the arms of the Carabinieri, the name for Italy’s military police force, and asked them to put him behind bars. He told police he was “tired of continuously fighting with his wife,” Breitbart said. And he “asked explicitly to be put back in prison,” as “living with his wife” had become “particularly difficult and unbearable,” he said to police.

Mr. Chaabani won his plea. Court officials granted him an imprisonment order, and he was transported to jail to serve the remainder of his time. Curiously enough, this isn’t the first time police have fielded such a request."
http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2014/jan/7/drug-dealer-house-arrest-begs-jail-escape-nagging-/

 

Here are more proverbs that discuss nagging or quarelsome wives.

  • Proverbs 27:15-16
    “A quarrelsome wife is like the dripping of a leaky roof in a rainstorm; 16 restraining her is like restraining the wind or grasping oil with the hand."

  • Proverbs 21:9
    Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.

3) Shitty Neighbors

You know they’re in the 10 commandments:

 

  • Exodus 20 
    9. You must not testify falsely against your neighbor.

  • 10. You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.

 

But crappy neighbors are also mentioned in Proverbs as well:

  • Proverbs 3:28-29

    Do not say to your neighbor  “Come back tomorrow and I’ll give it to you”— when you already have it with you..Do not plot harm against your neighbor, who lives trustfully near you.

 I'd like to imagin King Solomon, in all his splendor running out of sugar and going to his neighbor and asking for some.  Perhaps his neighbor responded one day "Do, I don't got any." But King Solomon probably responded and says "I can see it right there, on your shelf!" 

King Solomon is King David's son. King David took his neighbors wife, Bethsheba and eventually had Solomon with her. I wonder if the Proverb "Do not plot harm against your neighbor, who lives trustfully near you" is partially in reference to his own fathers' sin.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/King_david#Bathsheba_and_Uriah_the_Hittite

 

In the following clip, Jon Stewart and John Malkovich discuss terrible neighbor experiences.

 

 

Of course, we all know who would be the BEST neighbor. Fred Rogers.


2) Just Kidding!

 

I admit, I might be a little sensitive on this topic, but let me explain. I think SOME pranks can be funny. When no one is getting hurt, when the “victim” of the prank is told right away, and when no harm was done to anything, besides pride I suppose. However, pranks only work because people are trusting. Not gullible, trusting. We humans have to trust that most people are good and decent, otherwise we’d all be terrified to leave our own homes everyday. We have to assume that nothing terrible is going to happen to us today, that no one is going to run up and just punch us in the face for absolutely no reason.

More specifically, we have to assume and trust our friends that they won’t mess with us, our stuff, etc... Sure we might have to trust strangers to just be normal, decent human beings, be we don’t know them, so we have a healthy level of distrust at the same time. But our close friends? We assume we can trust them, we have to. So that’s why, at least for me, pranks between close friends is about the worst thing we can do to a close friendship. Sure it might be funny, but after that bucket of cold water drops on your head because your best friend put it there, now you can’t TRUST them not to do it again, so every freekin’ time you open your bedroom door you have to assume there might be a bucket, or something that might “get” you. Sorry, I just think this is sort of stupid.

With that, here are some Proverbs that talk about it.

 

  • Proverbs 10:23
    Doing wrong is like a joke to a fool, but wisdom is pleasure to a man of understanding.

  • Proverbs 26:18
    Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”

 Just Kidding prank videos.

  • In this Just Kidding video (a kids series), a child begs strangers to help him get his hand out of a chip can. However, his sleeve gets ripped off. So these strangers helped this kid in trouble and now they feel like crap because his shirt got ripped. What are we teaching people? To not help kids. Good job.




  • In this next video, a "prank" of a moch kidnapping and torture of a man in an elevator unfolds on unsuspecting onlookers. They're lucky none of them had guns, or this could have ended very differently.




For more terrible prank things, Cracked.com has writtnen a few good lists for us. Feel free to check them out.

 

1) Dogs eating their own vomit

For this one I like to imagin King Solom sitting in his enormous, ornately decorated castle with his 700 wives, 300 concubines, eating the finest food and listening to people ask for his advice because he is so incredibly wise. While all this is going on, a dog walked right in the center of the room and just pukes right on his marble floor. And wouldn't you know it, just start eating it.

 

    • Proverbs 26:11
      As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly.

Family guy has covered this:


And here's some videos of REAL dogs eating their own vomit. You're welcome.


 

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