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Short Review: It’s beautiful. And boring. Kind of the like the first one. Only more so on both accounts.

 

Long Review:

Twenty minutes into Blade Runner 2049 I was interested and intrigued. An hour and forty minutes, I was still intrigued, but wondering how many more beautiful places we would go before we found something that actually moved the plot forward.

 

Spoilers. But, honestly, it won’t matter.

 

Two and a half hours later we finally meet a new character promised...and wasn’t needed.

 

As I said earlier, spoilers.

 

I like Harrison Ford. But his character, Deckard, was not necessary in this movie. And, had his character been written out, it would have been about forty minutes shorty which would have been good for this movie.

 

Here’s a question for Hollywood: Why do you keep making me sit through three freekin’ hours of movie!  Is it making you more money?!  NO!  The tickets are the same!  You’d actually make MORE money if you made more movies but made them shorter!

 

This brings me to my next gripe. EDITING. We, as viewers, tend to forget about good editing. We remember the actors, the directors, maybe even the writers of the original story or script. But the editor is what COULD save a movie from being way too long and cutting it down to a palatable movie for theater viewing.

 

True, there are some bummer circumstances where a movie was shaved down to 90 minutes when the full movie made more sense and was actually decent.  But a really good film fires on all cylinders. The director, script/story creator, actors, editors, producers, sound designers etc... all work together to make a finish product shine.

 

This movie really only had one thing going for it, the cinematography. The story was week (though if it were cut down and tweaked a bit, it could have been very interesting), the acting was ok, the directing was fine. But if you do watch it (don’t waste you money on a full priced theater ticket, maybe a matinee, second run theater....maybe), keep an eye out for the super wide shots.

 

I’ll bet half the movie is super wide shots of incredible scenery. Seriously, this movie IS beautiful. And I could tell that most of the visual effects were in camera. Meaning, very little CGI, and what was there was just used to enhance the existing models etc...

 

UGH. I was literally screaming in the parking lot after seeing this movie about how boring it was.

 

If you played this in the background without any sound on it would be a really neat, very beautiful slideshow of post apocalyptic scenery.

 

If you’re a fan of the original fine, see it, but be prepared. But dear god, don’t force a friend who isn’t a super fan of the original. They’ll hate you for it.

 

Also, can we stop asking poor old Harrison Ford being in sequels of his movies from the 80s? Please? He was good in Star Wars Force Awakens, but he wasn’t needed in Blade Runner 2049. Apparently they’re making another Indiana Jones movie with him, can we not?

 

Just let him stay at home with Calista Flockhart. Halloween is coming up, keep an eye out for both of them when they go out Trick R Treating.

 

 

Also, can Hollywood please stop giving us really cool sci-fi movies with robots in them, making them fight, and just punching each other? Can’t we think of something else to make robots do to each other, rather than just punching?!

 

Also, if this is setup to have a sequel....kill me.

 

Rant almost over.

 

If there was a movie that would be a perfect example of the definition of anticlimactic, this movie would fit the bill.

 

In a conversation with a friend, I accidentally said Ryan Reynolds instead of Ryan Gosling.

 

Then he said “Wouldn’t this movie have been better if Deadpool was in it?”

 

YES.

 

Now there’s a movie I can watch over and over again.

 

Deadpool.

 

Instead of watching Blade Runner 2049, watch Deadpool instead.

 

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joshbrolinDon’t see it, please, for the love of all that is good and holy and nice, DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE.

I’ve already listed Old Boy as a movie that makes you want to kill yourself, but with an American remake coming out soon, I felt it necessary to reiterate my warning.

I stumbled upon this movie, coming out in 2013, while I was looking through the movies Josh Brolin had made and is making. Remember Brolin? Yeah, he was the older brother in Goonies (yeah that guy). Then he was in a bad, but sort of fun movie called Mimic and didn’t do much else until No Country for Old Men (which I didn’t enjoy, but was amazing, and he was perfect in).
And although it won’t be a perfect movie, I’ll most likely see the new movie he’s in called Gangster Squad and I’ll most likely enjoy it.

But a movie that is in post production and ready to be released in the theaters in 2013 is called Old Boy. Here’s the short Synopsis:

“An everyday man has only five days and limited resources to discover why he was imprisoned in a nondescript room for 15 years without any explanation. “

Ok, let’s stop right there. That seems intriguing, and if you have any intention in seeing it, first, don’t, but if you don’t listen to me, fine, stop reading beyond here as I am about to give away the ending. This movie is a remake of a Korean film of the same name which I, unfortunately, have seen.

Old Boy, the Korean original, came out in 2003 and became popular among foreign film enthusiasts because the intriguing premise and a few fun and interesting scenes. One of them being the long, no cut action scene with the imprisoned main character escaping through a long hallway with dozens of men attempting to stop him while he pummels them all to death or severe injury. It’s a scene that is both brutal and fascinating to watch because of the cinematography and physical acting required by everyone in it. The other scene is one in which the main character eats an octopus live because he’s so damn hungry.

 

 

You can find the clip on youtube simply by searching “Old Boy eats octopus”. The dude picks up a live octopus, bites its head off and then stuffs its tentacles in his mouth and starts munching down...while a tentacle is wrapping itself around his fist and another grabbing onto his nose.  Oh yeah, and that’s REAL. No special effects here folks. I wonder what the directed said before this scene. “Hey, so, there’s the octopus, and...yeah, so, eat it.”

oldboyNow, I don’t know how many elements of the Korean version they’ll bring over to the American version, but damn it would interesting to see Josh Brolin eat a live octopus.

It’s hard to explain what actually happens in Old Boy while being tactful and subtle, but I’ll give it my best.

The “Old Boy” is in reference to the childlike state the older man is in because he’s been kept imprisoned by someone for fifteen years. There are two aspects of his personality that develop while kept in his one room bedroom. He punches the wall with his bare fists everyday, for fifteen years, which gives him a mean hit that doesn’t hurt his hand at all when he bashes other peoples faces. The other trait he develops is hypersensitive sexual desire towards women that is expressed in the movie by his fixation on women  on his tv, and other women he meets throughout the movie. One of the first women he meets, the women in the youtube video watching him eat the octopus, he falls in love with and they quickly begin a sexual relationship.

He eventually figures out who had imprisoned him and is about to kill him, but the man who orchestrated his imprisonment and is apparently in charge of a large criminal organization, asks him  “Don’t you want to know why?”  So, instead of killing the man who kept him locked up for fifteen years, Old Boy let him live and now has to figure out why he did that.

Let me tell you why he did that so that you don’t have to waste you time with this movie.

The man who imprisoned Old Boy, we’ll call him “the bad guy”, was actually a school mate when they were both in high school. The story now gets bazaar. The bad guy, as a young boy, had a one time sexual encounter with his sister. Old Boy, as a young boy, not knowing they were siblings, witnessed this and inadvertently spread a the rumor. The bad guys sister began to show signs of a false pregnancy and committed suicide. This is weird, creepy and bizarre enough, but no, it gets worse.

Blaming Old Boy and desiring revenge, he orchestrates an elaborate plan to kidnap and brainwash him for fifteen years. He is is eventually release, falls in love with the woman who watches him eat the octopus and the rest of the movie goes from there. At the very end of the movie, the antagonist, bad guy, (whatever) explains why he did it. Old Boy had a daughter and sometime afterwards our bad guy kidnapped him and brainwashed him to fall in love with a very specific woman. That woman is Old Boys daughter. He doesn’t recognize her because it’s been fifteen years, and they fall in love with each other because he brainwashed both of them to. Old Boy goes nuts after hearing this and begs him never to tell his daughter. He then cuts out his own tongue with a scissors so that he can’t either. Old Boy goes back to the woman he was brainwashed-to-fall-in-love-with/his own daughter. The end.

Now...I’m not sure how much of that will be changed in the american version...but that whole creepy twist at the end is pretty much the whole point of the screwed up story, so I doubt they’ll change much. And that’s why,  instead of watching the American version of Old Boy, I will be doing...anything else up to and including exploratory surgery on my eyeballs with a cheese grater.

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I love Sci-Fi flicks, well, good one's at least. I can't pass up a decent one just to see if it'll be wicked awesome or not. I'll be compiling my thoughts on sci-fi movies going forward here. Check back when a new one comes out and I'll let ya know what I thought.

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