Be Your Own Valentine

(warning, swearing below)

Couple things. First, why is Dove assuming I’m single? How much of their demographic is single, lonely, thirty something men sitting at home, eating chocolate by themselves? I suppose they don’t know I’m a guy, it’s not like they package their chocolate specifically for men, like some “Manocolate”....hmm...I like the sound of that.

“Manocolate: intense chocolate for men, real unicorn blood, +4 against girliness, do not eat if pregnant, might become pregnant or CAN become pregnant. Warning, may cause temporary intense masculinity.”

Or, if I am single (which I am at the time I’m writing this), why would you freekin’ assume I can’t GET a valentine you jerk! Dove, what the hell?! Shouldn’t be trying to set me up?

It’s like they’ve given in to our generations lethargy and complacence of being single. “Being single, it’s the new married.” Shut up.

When I get a cheap piece of chocolate candy that might say something on the inside, I want it to say something encouraging.


    “Hang in there, you’re totally not a loser.”
    “Don’t worry, next Valentines, you’ll have one.”
    “Someone else is lonely just like you. Maybe they’re reading this right now, wishing you would talk to them.”
    “There’s someone out there for you, you’re just not attractive enough for them yet, so put down the chocolate and get to the gym.”
    “Try a Mint.”

Dove should not be in the business of making us feel better that we are single and will probably remain that way for a long time. Unless...that is their plan.

Think about it, what do we do when we’re depressed? Cry, yes, but it’s hard to capitalize on that. Unless they come out with a Dove “Cry on me Shoulder-Pillow: You know you’ll be single for a long time, so cry on the shoulder that’ll never tell you to stop and try to make it better. Because we all know it won’t.”

We eat chocolate to feel better. Don’t take my word for it, check out this link:

That’s right, eating chocolate actually makes us feel better. SO, what better way to get us to eat more chocolate, than for the wrapping to make us feel like shit first!

In conclusion, in response to “Be Your Own Valentine”, F@#$ You.

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