Man with the Iron Fists, Silent Hill, both terrible.


Let me tell you about the story of how I saw an 1/8th of a terrible movie, 7/8ths of not so great movie, and the entirety of a great movie. It all started when a friend of mine sent me a text, asking if I wanted to see The Man with the Iron Fists. I told him that I really wasn’t, that I would be much more interested in Wreck it Ralph or Cloud Atlas, but he said he had his heart set on Man with the Iron Fists, and I hadn’t hung out with him in a while, and sometimes you just have to take one for the team and see a movie you know you won’t really like and spend time with a good friend (just like I did with The Grey).

Before I tell you what I thought of The Man with the Iron Fists, let me explain something to those of you who don’t quite understand what “Presented” means in the film industry. A lot of people mistake the word “Presented” for “Directed”, or “made by”. In this case, the previews and adds for The Man with the Iron Fist said “Presented by Quentin Tarantino.”  This only means ONE thing, Tarantino saw it and liked it. THAT’S IT. He didn’t write it, he didn’t direct it, he didn’t produce it. ALL HE DID WAS SLAP HIS NAME ON IT SO THAT YOU WOULD GO SEE IT.  And unfortunately for a few of my friends, they fell for it.

So, we went to The Man with the Iron Fists...and it was horrible. I kid you not, people were laughing at the acting abilities of the actors in the movie. But sometimes a bad movie is so bad it’s Dumb and Dumber, or Shoot ‘Em Up. But not this one. Had this movie been a horrible martial arts movie that was making fun of itself like Balls of Fury, then it would have been passable. But no, it was trying to take itself WAY too seriously.  Even the opening action scene sucked. Even Russell Crowe, who is normal fantastic, wasn’t all that great because he wasn’t directed well. And who, you might ask, directed this craptastic movie? RZA from the rap group Wu Tang Clan. (huh, Google Docs knows who that is)

Now, I don’t have anything against RZA or Wu Tang Clan (their music was probably the only good part of the movie), and he isn’t a bad actor (he’s been in several movies already). However, he co-wrote and directed The Man with the Iron Fists...this is his writing and directorial debut, and it just didn’t work, and critics agreed with only %55 at Rotten Tomatoes and only %59 viewers liked it (less than %60 is rotten).

silenthill3dNow, because it was so bad, I actually left the theater after only ten minutes. I invited my friends to leave with me, but they decided to stay. So, I asked the ticket people if I could see a different movie, they said sure. The only one that started around the same time was Silent Hill, which was in 3D, so they gave me some glasses for free.

I walked into the theater showing the horror movie and I was surprised to find that I was all alone, no one else was in the theater. At first I thought the creepy ass monsters from the movie ate all the viewers, but then I realized that this was ALSO a terrible movie and I was going to see it by myself. (Critics gave it a terrible %5 at Rotten Tomatoes and viewers only %45). So I sat down in the best seat in the house and started yelling at the stupid girl who used her gun an astonishing ONCE to kill a monster/demon from hell/her nightmare?... that had a mouth for a face. I actually enjoyed it, the directed was a hell of alot better, cinematography was pretty dang good (the CG effects of the transformation from the regular world to the “darkness” world was amazing) and the acting wasn’t terrible.

The story itself was bizarre and didn’t make a lick of sense. It’s a straight up sequen of the first one. The main character is the all growed-up good part of the creepy little girl that cursed Silent Hill in the first place. Her dad and her very new guy friend both say “Don’t go to Silent Hill, don’t ever go there, just don’t go there ok?” And then there’s a secrete group of people who are trying to bring her to Silent Hill, writing on walls in blood and she sees visions of creepy ass monsters without arms but with a mouth for a stomach, which I’m sure is just fine.

So, she goes to Silent Hill and like I said, uses her gun once on the demonic hell demons from space or whatever (ok, not from space, from her evil sides’ nightmare...because that makes sense). There is a lot of walking around without a weapon, “Hey, you have to go over there in that creepy building that probably won’t have any monsters that want to eat your face off”, but ya know, there are, and they try, but she gets away, ‘cus she’s the main character and kinda cute.

Since I was the only one in the theater I had a lot of fun yelling at here, things like “There’s a pipe right the hell there!” and “Don’t go in there...there’s a monster in there...don’t...ok you went in there.”

You’ll be happy to hear that unlike the first Silent Hill movie, this one neglected to include a barbed wire rape scene, so it had that going for it. Also, it was a true sequel in much the same way The Ring Two was.  If you’re a fan of the video games and liked the first one, I recommend it, otherwise, like everyone else was not in the theater with me...don’t see it in the theater.

The next day I saw Wreck-It Ralph...which was amazing.


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