What you do after a break up

The following is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.

We all do most of these things, even if we were the one’s who did the breaking up, but especially if the other person made the bummer decision to end a relationship. This is in no particular order.

  1. Immediately stop following their updates on Facebook.
    1. If THEY did the break up, then this is because you don’t really want to see them hanging out with someone younger, hotter, or your best friend.
    2. If YOU did the break up, then you don’t want to read how  much of a bastard you are.
  2. Status change on Facebook
    1. If you actually said you were in a relationship on Facebook, and now that changed...this is going to suck hard core as EVERYONE will know that you are now single and how much of a total loser you are.
    2. To prevent this, probably shouldn’t say you’re in a relationship on Facebook until several months go by. By then, it’ll either fizzle and be over with anyway, or, get even better and look more promising and you’ll wanna tell everyone (all your single friends will hate you)
  3. Remove them from your favorite contacts in your iPHone
    1. This is trickier than you think, but important.
    2. Make sure you don’t accidentally call them at 3:00 in the morning.
  4. Delete their pictures from your phone
    1. This isn’t because you hate them, just to help get over them.
    2. If they did the break up, this is very necessary as having the image of the person you thought you were totally gonna be with for a long time or forever easily accessible right from your pocket...isn’t all that great of an idea.
    3. If YOU did the break up, then you should do this as well because you don’t want to be checking them out and forgetting why you broke up with them, wondering why, thinking about them, and then ultimately contacting them, going out again, and then breaking up with them again ‘cus you remember that they’re really annoying.
  5. Ponder reaching out to them...   
    1. Think about writing an email that confesses your undying love to them, that you just MUST be together because God, the heavens and fate demand it.
    2. Think about sending them a text, simply saying “How’s it going?” and what you really mean is “Hey there, just saying hi, this is by no means an attempt to get you back/ask you out again after I dumped you, just a friendly hi...but if you DO want to get together sometime, have some wine, candle light, back rubs...”
    3. Think about calling them, just to say hi and “catch up,” but really it’s to hear their voice again and imagine what it would be like to hear them say “Oh, how I’ve missed you, and I was wrong and sorry for everything and can you forgive me and I want to give it another try...” instead of “I’m fine, how are you?”.
    4. But finally deciding against it and playing video games instead.
  6. Think about the next time you’ll run into them...   
    1. Be cold and uninterested to prove to them that you are totally over them and that you couldn’t care less about what you had with them for a time.
    2. Act pleasantly charming and slightly flirty, showing them that there is no hard feelings and that although you’re totally ok, that the reason you dated in the first place is still true.
    3. Stop thinking about it and assume it won’t happen anytime soon, and when it does, whatever, screw it, I’ll probably spill something on myself and act like an ass.
  7. Start working out and eating better   
    1. So that you totally get way hot and make them second guess letting you go
      1. This will last about a week, maybe two, until you give up and don’t care anymore
      2. Unless you make it a habit and the reason becomes to be healthy and work on yourself, not for others (but Oreos are so damn good...)
  8. Think about “accidentally” driving by their house.
    1. But a split second later realizing this is way to stalkery and veto that idea.
  9. Start looking for someone younger and hotter
    1. To prove to them that you moved on and that they totally made a mistake
      1. (Warning: If it’s all about your ex, even if you DO find someone who is younger and more attractive than your ex and they’re actually cool, you will likely mess it up)
  10. Do things that they didn’t like
    1. All those things that annoyed them or they had a problem with, you will instantly start doing with relish and glee.
      1. Eating foods they said you shouldn’t.
      2. Making noises or smells they didn’t like.
      3. Watching movies a T.V. shows they didn’t like.
      4. Going places they never wanted to.
  11. Write an article on your own website as a warning to the rest of them...
  12. Pray for them
    1. Those of us who are Christian, will eventually get to the place where instead of just praying for ourselves and wallowing in our own self pitty, eventually end up praying for our ex, and actually hope the best for them, pray that God gives them a really awesome wife/husband someday.
      1. But not quite as awesome as us...

This is meant to just be a little funny. (I admit, it’s not hilarious, probably mostly just barely a little funny)  If you read this and are one of my exes, no hard feelings, I was probably a jerk. Every woman I ever dated was/is a lovely woman and there was a reason I dated them in the first place. No hard feelings, I genuinely hope the best for you. God bless.

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