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(Inspired by Chase Honer and his unabated hatred for the moon.)

 

Reason 1

Just look at that thing. It’s stupid. I hate it, it’s all round and up in the sky, dumb.  I know what you’re thinking, “But Nate, no one hates the moon.” Well, that’s not true, ‘cus I hate it.

Reason 2: Tides

Screw tides, I hate them. Water moving up and down all the time. Screw that, what if I wanna just hang out on the beach all day? “NO!” the moon says. “Screw you! You have have to move, ha ha ha!” See, the moon is an asshole.

I know, I know, I know. Tides are an important ecological feature that perpetuates a diverse and complicated bio-diversity. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Intertidal_ecology) And tidal pooling is one way humans can enjoy the ocean life and poke sea enemies, star fish, sea urchins, octopus and even find an eel tail to munch on (did that when I was a kid, not even freekin’ kidding).   No, don’t freekin’ care. I hate it.

Reason 4: It’s shape

It’s all round up there, mocking us. I get that its spherical shape is not its fault, that round objects in space is only because of their massive size and gravitational forces, slowly forming a round shape. (http://lasp.colorado.edu/education/outerplanets/solsys_planets.php).  Fine, I get that. But I freekin’ hate it.

Reason 5: Color

In space it’s all grey, but viewed from Earth we see it through our own atmosphere, so it can look orange, red or that nice white color when its high up. When its rising just above the horizon, it appears more red because we are viewing it through more atmosphere. The same thing is true when we view the sun at the horizon versus high in the sky. (http://www.universetoday.com/19626/color-of-the-moon/)

But I hate it. Look at it. It’s all “look at me, I’m all beautiful and red and sexy and romantic and don’t you wish you had a girl with you right now ‘cus of how beautiful I look.” Screw YOU moon! YES, I do wish I had a girl with me right now to fully appreciate your beauty and make some stupid comment about how she might remind me of your beauty or vice versa. But NO, I can’t, because...I don’t know why,...shut up moon, I hate you!

Reason 6: Dark side of the moon

The “dark” side of the moon refers to the opposite side that is permanently facing away from Earth. It actually receives the same amount of sunlight than the other, but we call it the “dark” side because we simply can’t see it from Earth. The space missions went around the moon and saw the dark side to get back home, using its gravity as a slingshot instead of needing way more fuel to travel back to Earth. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Far_side_of_the_Moon)

But screw you MOON! What’s over there! You secretive bitch! I wanna know!


Reason 7: Not made of cheese

The inner core of the moon is mostly likely made of metallic iron, with small amounts of sulfur and nickel. The mantle is made of olivine, orthopyroxene and clinopyroxene. (Whatever the frick those things are). “The crust of the Moon is composed mostly of oxygen, silicon, magnesium, iron, calcium, and aluminum. There are also trace elements like titanium, uranium, thorium, potassium and hydrogen.” (http://www.universetoday.com/20583/what-is-the-moon-made-of/)

Reading up on what the moon is made of, I see no mention of cheese. What the hell?! Now, I get that if there was a cheese ball that size, that there may be major issues with finding a cracker that size, let alone two. And get that it was never made out of cheese, and people thinking it might be made out of cheese were most likely from Wisconsin and also likely believe chocolate milk comes from a chocolate cow. But still, for the moon NOT to be made out of cheese is just vindictive.

Reason 8: Thief

A fairly recent scientific theory of how the moon was made, and one that most scientists agree, is that a big thing smacked Earth way back before MP3 players were around, like, probably when they still had VHS players, or even Beta Max. This other object was absorbed by Earth, incorporating the foreign objects mass into its own, growing in size. But, the collision also ejected some of Earth’s material out into space where it eventually stabilized in shape and orbit around Earth. (http://www.disclose.tv/action/viewvideo/61683/How_The_Moon_Was_Made/)

Catch that? Freekin’ moon stole from Earth, what a dick! Give it back Moon!

Reason 9: Nothing to do

Before you tell me that there’s a ton of crap to do on the moon. Like Nasa’s list of 181 things (http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2007/02feb_181/), or what things have already been done on the moon, like driving around a car, hopping up and down, golfing, let me ask you this, is there a movie theater on the moon? No. How about the Internet or a network in order to play computer games? No. Or even a Best Buy in order to purchase new movies or games? Again, I say, no.

Video of Alan Shepard of the Apollo 14 mission...golfing on the Moon.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yNIMtagHck

Even in Aqua Teen Hunger Force when the Moonanites are hanging out it looks boring.

Reason 10: Someone else already hates the moon

Doing a google search for “hate the moon” comes up with this link:
http://worldofstuart.excellentcontent.com/weston/problem.htm

It’s about a guy who likes to gamble and the moon cheated...or something, I didn’t read it.

Also, there’s a song about a guy who doesn’t like the moon here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP6px0ACHFY

But I also didn’t watch it.

What’s the point?

This article is written in an effort to be funny, gain more traffic to my site, and hopefully generate more sales of my images, some, perhaps, moon related. It will most likely fail on all accounts.

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(moon photos by me)

 
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